So you want to look like a Dane? I don’t blame you. Danes are hot, so I’m going to tell you how to look just like them. I’ve taken The Meaning of Style for the last four months taught by a stylish Dane who I quote “feels uncomfortable” if he wears the same pair of shoes more than once in a month. Thus, I am qualified. Listen, learn, look Danish.
Step 1: Take your head and dip it in a bucket of peroxide. Go ahead, throw caution to the wind. If you accidentally dye your eyebrows, it’s a plus! You can’t look like a Dane unless your scalp burns from too much bleach. All Danes are blonde, by birth or by bottle, it doesn’t matter.
This guy’s got it!
Step 2: If you are a girl, you must only wear your newly dyed hair in one of two ways. Lazy or lazier.
Lazy- Put your hair on the top of your head in the highest bun possible. You want people to stop on the street and ask, “Is it even gravitationally possible for her bun to be that high?” The key to this bun is to never look in the mirror after doing it. If there is bumps or chunks falling out, no sweat. You want to look like you spent all your time dying your hair and none of your time doing your hair.
I Googled “danish bun” and this wasn’t quite what I was looking for, but correct and delicious nonetheless.
The perfect height, the perfect messiness and even in black and white, the perfect bottle blonde. Bun Master!
Lazier- Do absolutely nothing with your hair. Wake up and go. At the most, part it down the middle. Your hair will look the right amount of messy and the right amount of awesome. Danes have truly magic hair.
This Dane woke up three minutes ago.
What I look like in the morning. Rough. Or should I say, meow. LOLZ ;) :D :) (remember if you are dressing like a Dane, you must also use emoticons like a Dane)
Now, hair for the men. If you want to look like a Danish man, you need to ignore everything I just said about the girls. You must make your hair look as if you spend a minimum of five hours doing it. Hair product is your best friend. Your hairstyle MUST convince onlookers that you skipped school in order to properly gel. The more unnatural swoops, swirls and spikes, the better.
Nick Carter circa 1995 is a good starting point. You can’t go all out Dane the first day. You probably don’t even have that much gel in stock.
Oh yes. That height ain’t natural.
Now that you have your hair all big and rock hard to the touch, you can do one of two things: leave it the way it is or buzz the sides. The gelled hair MUST be gelled back in a very gentlemen like swoop, a very large swoop. Then you must take an electric razor and buzz short everything else on your head that is not considered part of the swoop. I searched and searched the internet and no pictures could do this ‘I can tell what country you come from even if I was only allowed to see you from the eyes up” hairstyle any justice. This Danish man is half-assing the hairstyle. Imagine more hair on top and much less hair on the sides.
And you call yourself a Dane?
Step 3: Put down the bag of chips that is currently in your hands as you are reading my blog in bed. Danes have Viking blood, for gosh sakes, and thus are naturally tall and ripped. You’ll need all the help you can get to fit into Danish skinny jeans.
But, if you ever do come to Denmark, disregard this rule and eat these chips. Imagine the best qualities of all your favorite chips combined in to one chip.
Step 4: Go to your closet, put everything that is not black into a bag and burn it. If you truly want to look like a Dane, you can never wear color again. Ever. When people look in your closet, you want them to be confused. Are you really a (insert profession here) or are you really, in fact, a ninja?
Is that a ninja? Nah, it’s just a Dane.
Step 5: This is definitely the hardest rule of all. You can never look like you are coming or going from the gym again. In layman’s terms: stop looking like a slob. There is not even a word for slob in Danish because it would never be used. No more ratty grey sweatpants. No more oversized gym clothes with stains in the armpits. And worst of all, no more UGG boots. (I didn’t just look at my outfit now and describe it or anything…) If you want to look like a Dane AND you want to go to the gym to get that hot Danish bod, your gym clothes better look nicer than a non-Dane’s every day clothes. Top of the line matching Nike or Hummel only, please.
Just a Dane (who did not follow step number one ) rocking out in head to toe Hummel.
Step 6: Now that you know the color scheme and the no sweat pants rule, what do you actually wear? Girls first. The goal is to make your legs look as long and skinny as possible. On the top wear a bulky sweater or a structured jacket and on the bottom wear tight black skinny jeans. Your legs will look like little matchsticks.
Boys next. Your goal is to look like Waldo from Where’s Waldo but instead of red, everything needs to be black. You need tight pants (your girlfriend’s skinny jeans will work), a striped shirt, hipster thick rimmed-glasses (whether you need a prescription or not) and a beanie for when you run of out gel.
I have to admit that I heard this Waldo thing from someone else, but it was such a perfect description that I couldn’t pass it up. Waldo is just missing a little five-o’clock shadow on his face and his trusty bike.
Step 7: SCARF. For boys and girls both, do not dare leave your house without a large and in charge scarf. Start wearing your scarf mid-August. Stop wearing your scarf mid-June. Go to scarf withdrawal therapy in July.
A little on the small side and not black, but overall pretty Danish.
Step 8: Shoe time. As a Dane, you have three options of footwear. Three and only three.
Black Converse or Black Nike Frees or Black Wedge Booties (If you are male and want to wear the wedges, Denmark is about as liberal as it gets…so go for it)
Step 9: I’m bending the rules a bit. You are allowed to wear one colored item and that item must be your backpack. Your Fjällräven backpack, to be exact. Go into a store and ask if they have Fjällräven. You’ll pronounce some word that is nowhere near correct and three Danes behind the counter will laugh for five minutes while they keep asking you to repeat the word just so they can hear it pronounced incorrectly over and over again. Not that it has ever happened to me, but just to be safe, maybe you should just order it online?
The more obnoxious the color the better because this is the only color you may see all day in Copenhagen.
Step 10: This is it guys, the last step to looking like a true Dane. Wipe that smile off your face and put on an ice cold stare. If you are a Dane, you need to look unapproachable and intimidating. Avoid eye contact at all times, whether in the train or on the street. And NEVER say hi or nod at anybody that walks by, as we do in Minnesota.
Step 10 b: Once you have mastered the “Ice Queen” look, prepare to completely wipe it off your face once someone starts talking to you. Danes may not look approachable, but if you get the nerve to ask for directions or to just start a conversation, they are the freaking best. Danes are the nicest, funniest and happiest people I have ever met. (For real. Denmark is ranked the Happiest country in the world right now. The US is 26th.) So wear that death stare, but you better be all love underneath you if want to truly look (and act) like a Dane.